Things I Will Do to My Kids When I Am Old

I can’t wait until I’m old and my kids have to take care of me. Then, I will exact my revenge for all the shit they did to me when they were babies. Here is a non-all-inclusive list:

1) Drop something and tell them, “I can’t get it! You pick up for me.”

2) Lose something, take a cursory look around even though the lost item is right in front of my face and say, “I can’t see it anywhere!”

3) Request certain foods to eat then summarily reject them all without taking a bite with the reason, “I don’t like it. It don’t taste good!”

4) Weep inconsolably every time they leave me.

5) Demand they leave the door open when going to the bathroom. Walk in while they’re taking a dump and ask them to get something for me.

6) Wait until their hands are completely full, trying to get something done, and talking on the phone. Then I will demand at the top of my lungs they cook me nuggets/get ice cream/turn on the TV/wipe me because I pooped my pants.

7) Throw all their stuff on the floor.

8) Smush my face as close as possible to theirs, talk loudly and with much spittle, giving them pink eye for the umpteenth time.

9) Force them to lay in bed with me until I fall asleep.

10) Ask, “Why?” in both Chinese and English after every single statement they make.

11) Cry for an hour straight in the car and stop inexplicably only to start up again after they just start to relax.

12) Request they do something and if they say, “No.” I will throw myself to the floor, screaming, flailing, and weeping. Bonus points if I do this in public.

I can’t wait.

Of course, as annoying as these things are, all too soon this time will pass and I will tear up wistfully, dreaming of the times when my kids were still small and thought I was the center of the universe. Until then, bedtime sometimes can’t come soon enough!

What can’t you wait to do?

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